When Marco and I had our church wedding, we searched for a verse that would fit our simple wedding invitation. God led us to the perfect one, and it has been our favorite ever since. Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to hard you. Plans to give you hope and a future.“
It is always easy to praise and glorify God when things are going the way we want them to. But things don’t always go as planned, because our ways our not His ways (Isaiah 55:8). BUT even if you don’t see the rainbow in His plan, we have to trust that, because He is a perfect God, He has a perfect plan..
I helped take care of my younger siblings Kylie and Kino, and I knew in my heart that my one true desire was to be a mom. When I lost Caitlin 4 years ago, I felt that my heart was ripped off my chest. It was too painful. And now, it’s the same pain all over again..
I was so happy to get my lupus tests back this year. Everything came back normal, my lupus indicators were negative. I was ready to conceive, WE were ready to be parents, again. April 17, I got a positive pregnancy test. We were soon talking about cribs, strollers, godparents. We were soo excited!
Since I have APAS (Antiphospholipid Antibody Sydnrome) too, I had to do daily heparin shots and oral aspirin pills, on top of my lupus meds. I didn’t mind injecting myself everyday at 8:30 in the morning. I was happy to do it for the baby, for my baby.
Last thursday, May 16, I started spotting dark red blood. I called my perinat and on friday early morning we were in the hospital for an ultrasound. I saw the doctors face, I’ve seen it before. She said there was no heartbeat at 6 weeks. And the baby’s yolk sac was enlarged at .7, which increased the possibility of a miscarriage or a chromosomal abnormality. The heartbeat could be a little late, it may come on Wednesday when we do another ultrasound, let’s wait and see. That’s what she said. I heard it all, I felt it all. I held my breath from the hospital to the car, and that’s when I burst into tears asking Marco “why???”
I felt the same emotions 4 years ago hearing that my Caitlin had a heart block. Hearing that she needed a pacemaker operation. Seeing the doctors trying to revive my baby. And seeing her gone.. It was happening again. It was happening all over again..
Morning of May 20 there was something wrong, my belly (puson) felt so tight. At noon I peed and there it was, blood, bright red blood. I started crying and I shouted for Marco, and he cried too when he saw the blood. We knew what it meant.
The perinat said to wait a bit until the pain becomes intolerable. But she said yes, that was it.. My baby was gone..
The contractions increased in intensity and would come every 3 minutes. From 12 noon to 7pm. By 7, the contractions were almost 1 minute long. I called my doctor and I told her I couldn’t take the pain anymore. As I was packing my bag for the hospital something gushed out. I screamed for Marco and when I sat on the toilet there was something on my underwear, it was the placenta, at that time I thought it was the baby. I sat there crying. I couldn’t believe it that my baby was gone. Again..
When the placenta came out, the pain immediately stopped. But the pain in my heart was getting heavier and heavier. I prayed to God, Please help me understand. Please give me strength because I can’t do this without you.
I had another ultrasound with the doctor and she said that the baby was still in my cervical canal. She gave me meds to help me contract so I could naturally pass out everything. Otherwise I would need a D&C. I cried when we got home, I couldn’t take it that the baby was gone but still she was trying to hold on. It seemed like she didn’t want to let go..
May 22, I was taking a bath. I looked down and the baby was on the floor. My 6 week old baby..I started breaking down again, I picked it up and just stared at it, crying. I just sat with Marco in the shower, holding our baby in my hand.. She was finally gone..
When I was 2 weeks pregnant I had my 1st check up with my perinat, she already planned a 36 weeks CS delivery. That would be around the week of December 8, 2013. I wanted December 8. The Immaculate Conception. If the baby was a girl, we were going to name her Mary Margaret. Mary.. My Mary..
There is a verse in a Hillsong praise song, “God is too wise to be mistaken, God is too good to be unkind, So when you don’t understand, When you don’t see His plan, When you can’t trace His hand, Trust His heart.” I don’t understand, I don’t know why this happened, but I trust God with all my heart and I know that He has a plan for us.
Every morning I wake up, and I lie in bed crying. I am allowing myself to grieve every morning, and I try to be strong through the day. I am giving myself time to grieve. And I know that with God’s grace, I will wake up one day and I will be ok. He says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation.” (1 Peter 4:12-13)
I am blessed with a husband who has been patient with me through everything, and who has never left my side giving me strength even though he is hurting too. I am blessed with my parents who called me every day after what happened. I am blessed with my sister Kit who despite being 5 months pregnant came over every day just to keep me company. I am blessed with Marco’s family who rushed to our house that night we lost Mary. I am blessed with Tita Beth, Tita Tet, Tita Vivian, and Aj who checked up on me every day, sharing with me verses that reminded me of God’s love. I am blessed with Tito Rene and Tita Ann who reminded us that life goes on, and that God has a beautiful plan for us. I am blessed with my MPG family who treated me the same during the days that I needed an escape from the pain. I am blessed with Doc Eric, Dra. Cj and Dra. Arlene, who provided me with the medical attention at all times. I am blessed with caring family and friends who sent their love through facebook and text messages.
AND I am blessed with 2 angels “who are dwelling in the house of the Lord forever” Psalm 23.
I am not ok, but I will be ok.
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can endure it” 1Cornithians 10:13. And in Romans 5:1-5 it is said “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”
I met up with a good friend last night. And I shared with her Sirach 2:1, “My child, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials.” And Weng told me that as you get closer to God your life will not be storm free, but God will always make it storm proof. God always sends us His loving messages in different ways.
Our God is a loving God. He is a God who gives us hope and a future, and I know that He will bless us with a healthy beautiful baby. It may not be now, it may not be this year or next, but I know that He will. I trust in Him completely. My prayer remains that He continues to give me strength each and every morning I wake. “I can do all this through him who gives me strength” Philippians 4:13. And I pray to him that He never lets go of my hand, because I can’t do anything without Him. He is my refuge, and only from Him can I find rest for my soul.
And He has promised, “I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.” Isaiah 49:15-16.